I had heard it before. The moment the words left my mouth I knew what the reaction would. "You're doing WHAT?" "I'm going to my local community college." "A SECULAR college?" "Yep." "Are you sure that's the right thing to do?"
Background Story: I got saved when I was 5. Accepted Jesus as my Savior. That doesn't mean I became a true Christ-Follower (a Christian). I just realized that I was a sinner and that I needed Jesus to save me from Hell and take me to Heaven when I died. I would like to say again that I was 5 years old. That's for all those people out there who don't think children can experience true conviction of sin. But I was not a Christ-Follower. I didn't really think about doing any more than just being "a good kid", which didn't mean much. As a child, I did not do much Christ-Following.
When I was twelve I experienced something new. My mother had never really believed I was saved, because I was in my Awanas class when I prayed. One day my older brother came home from a youth conference. He was more excited than I had ever seen him I think. He had gotten saved at the conference and wanted to get baptized, wanted ALL of us kids to get baptized (we were all saved but none of us had ever been baptized). I'm really glad I was saved by then, because I would have gone along with the whole thing and I might have developed some seriously warped idea of my salvation. Anyway, a few weeks later all of us kids got baptized during the Sunday morning service, oldest to youngest. It was really after that day that I began experiencing a change in my relationship with my Saviour.
I think from what most of that change came was having stronger spiritual leaders. Because I was in an older age group people were starting to expect me to act like an adult. Most importantly I was challenged to make my family's faith, my OWN faith. Unfortunately I ignored that challenge. I had friends who thought differently and I didn't think of Jesus as a person for whom I had to change my whole life. I fell away. I was immersing myself in a very materialistic and sensual world.
I'm glad God got my attention when He did. I sometimes try to imagine what would have happened if He would not have intervened. *shudders* I went to a Christian Youth In Action training camp. The effect was much like throwing a bucket of water on a sleeping person. "WHAT'S GOING ON???" I suddenly saw that God was more of a real, present, interactive person than I had ever imagined.
I attended CYIA for several more years. My second year, when I was 14, I came to important decision. I had been hearing a lot of stories about missionaries. Somehow, the missionaries always figured out that they needed to give their lives to Jesus, to use as HE wanted. I was down in Arkansas at that time and I was walking on a trail in some hills while I thought about it. Another story came to mind I had read several times. A missionary who planted pineapples. A person has to wait years for pineapples to grow. But he waited. When they were ripe the natives stole them. The missionary learned to give the plants to the Lord. Then the missionary's son became ill. The missionary suddenly realized that he had never given his son to the Lord.
As I considered these stories, I realized that I had never given my life to God and I came to a sudden decision. I needed to give my life to God and it needed to happen immediately. I found a bench, sat down and prayed. I told God that I would follow Him anywhere He led me.
This caused changes in my life. Maybe not changes that someone could see (although that would be a hope as well). I now refer to Jesus most often as "Lord". Not "Saviour". Not even "Friend". "Lord. Master. My Ultimate Commander." He is my King. Where He goes, I go. Where He stays, I stay.
I spent all my high school years discovering who my Master is. I still have much more to discover. He has been teaching me the whole time to lean on Him and trust Him, no matter where He took me. I have learned to identify when He was guiding me, answering prayer, comforting me. He gave me my true Joy, by giving my life a better purpose than I could ever give myself.
So is going to a secular college the right move for me? Yes it is, because the Lord led me there. I've heard it said before of soldiers, that if they are in the center of God's will, being in the middle of a battle is safer than walking the streets in the suburbs. Now I DO NOT seriously compare my life with that of my countrymen in uniform. But I will say that if the Lord wants me to go to a secular college, no amount of criticism from atheistic teachers, no deluge of mockery from classmates, no amount of shock from openly immoral lifestyles, could EVER compare with the amount of complete FAILURE that would come to me if I turned tail and ran for a Christian college. I do not care if Christian colleges are great places to be, if the Lord does not want me there I will bring nothing but harm on myself for DISOBEYING a DIRECT ORDER from my MASTER.
After Note : I know some of my friends might remember questioning me on this. I do not want you to think I am angry with you in any way. I know you just want what is best for me :) But the Lord has led me here, so please stop questioning my judgement. Secondly, I know I gave you a horribly long story before getting to the actual point. Sorry :)
I would like to leave you with this verse that has been repeated to me several times in the past weeks.
"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Joy Through Anger
I must admit, I am a person of passion. I can be passionately happy, passionately sad, passionately loving, and passionately angry. I am one of those people who tends to act and react, not think things through, so I find I must constantly be keeping my anger in check. I am ashamed of my angry moments and I tend to ignore them. I think that happens in all of our lives as well. Anger is something that is natural to every human being and yet it is one of those things that we try to completely forget about. We try to avoid all mention of it. I'm sure everyone at one point or another has been in some sort of angry passion and had someone ask "why are you so angry" or declare "you are angry right now". But then what do we often say? That's right, "No I am NOT angry!" (and do not forget that you are yelling this). I think though, that to discover more about the true Joy of the Lord one must explore all areas of one's behavior, even one's own anger.
I must admit that for the past two weeks I was angry with God. It was the most painful thing I've experienced in my life yet. God took away something from my life this year. I could not understand at first why He did it. I kept asking "Lord, why would You take something away from me that makes me so happy? That teaches me more about You? Why must Your plan for me include hurting me like this?" I was miserable. I knew, in my head I knew, that the Lord can do whatever hurtful thing He wants to me, because I have given my life to Him. I knew, in my head I knew, that He was teaching me to refocus my priorities on what was truly important in my life. There were nights when all I could do was sit in my bed, cry, and ask "Why Lord? Why?" I knew all the answers in my head, but they were having a hard time making it to my heart. Then I went to a girl's camp, to be a counselor. At the beginning of the week I wondered if I even had any right to be there. I felt so dead in my soul. I did not feel like talking about the Lord at all. I know the Joy was there, but it was one of those times when it was buried deep, deep down in my heart.
At one point I had an out-of-mind experience, if I may call it that. I was sitting there at the camp and I said to myself "Ok, you are hurting. You think God has hurt you and you don't know if you can trust Him anymore. But you know that God has a reason for everything and you KNOW that this is going to help you. I know you can't FEEL it right now, but you KNOW that Jesus is still there and He knows exactly what He is doing with your life."
A few months ago I was going through a rough patch. It was one of those silly rough patches where you know everything wrong that happened, happened because you made some dumb decisions. I had my good friend, Cathleen, praying for me and one day she gave me a CD with a compilation of songs that she found inspiring when she was having bad days. One song by Michelle Tumes particularly struck me.
I've found Love
I've found Peace in my life
I've found Joy that no one can describe
When I lay down to sleep
there's a voice inside keeps tell me
Something that I ought to do
You've gotta hold on to Jesus
when your heart is crying
your world is dying
Hold onto Jesus
when your life had had enough
I've had pain and like everyone else
I've been tempted to only live for myself
but when I lay down to sleep
there's a voice inside
keeps telling me
something that I ought to do
You've gotta hold onto Jesus
when your heart is crying
your world is dying
hold onto Jesus
when your life has had enough
And as time goes by
the tick of the clock is not enough for me
And as time goes by
I'll give Jesus my allegiance
Cuz you and me
we've gotta hold on
hold on to Jesus
Now when I have problems this song comes to mind. This week, in the midst of my pain and anger I remembered this song. And I finally said, "Hold on Cathy. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts when Jesus is breaking you, you gotta hold on to Jesus, because when you finally come out on the other side of this, you are going to have a beautiful ending." Then I picked up my Bible for the first time in ten days, bowed my head and prayed. I finally reconciled with God. Right now I am trying to learn how to trust Him again. I feel like I lost a lot of ground this week. I feel like I will never be the same after this. My only hope is that through all this change, the Lord will make something even more beautiful and God-honoring of my life. That was my Joy this week.
I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ and be found in Him...the righteousness which is of God by faith: that I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowships of His sufferings...this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus - Philippians 3: 8,10,13-14
I must admit that for the past two weeks I was angry with God. It was the most painful thing I've experienced in my life yet. God took away something from my life this year. I could not understand at first why He did it. I kept asking "Lord, why would You take something away from me that makes me so happy? That teaches me more about You? Why must Your plan for me include hurting me like this?" I was miserable. I knew, in my head I knew, that the Lord can do whatever hurtful thing He wants to me, because I have given my life to Him. I knew, in my head I knew, that He was teaching me to refocus my priorities on what was truly important in my life. There were nights when all I could do was sit in my bed, cry, and ask "Why Lord? Why?" I knew all the answers in my head, but they were having a hard time making it to my heart. Then I went to a girl's camp, to be a counselor. At the beginning of the week I wondered if I even had any right to be there. I felt so dead in my soul. I did not feel like talking about the Lord at all. I know the Joy was there, but it was one of those times when it was buried deep, deep down in my heart.
At one point I had an out-of-mind experience, if I may call it that. I was sitting there at the camp and I said to myself "Ok, you are hurting. You think God has hurt you and you don't know if you can trust Him anymore. But you know that God has a reason for everything and you KNOW that this is going to help you. I know you can't FEEL it right now, but you KNOW that Jesus is still there and He knows exactly what He is doing with your life."
A few months ago I was going through a rough patch. It was one of those silly rough patches where you know everything wrong that happened, happened because you made some dumb decisions. I had my good friend, Cathleen, praying for me and one day she gave me a CD with a compilation of songs that she found inspiring when she was having bad days. One song by Michelle Tumes particularly struck me.
I've found Love
I've found Peace in my life
I've found Joy that no one can describe
When I lay down to sleep
there's a voice inside keeps tell me
Something that I ought to do
You've gotta hold on to Jesus
when your heart is crying
your world is dying
Hold onto Jesus
when your life had had enough
I've had pain and like everyone else
I've been tempted to only live for myself
but when I lay down to sleep
there's a voice inside
keeps telling me
something that I ought to do
You've gotta hold onto Jesus
when your heart is crying
your world is dying
hold onto Jesus
when your life has had enough
And as time goes by
the tick of the clock is not enough for me
And as time goes by
I'll give Jesus my allegiance
Cuz you and me
we've gotta hold on
hold on to Jesus
Now when I have problems this song comes to mind. This week, in the midst of my pain and anger I remembered this song. And I finally said, "Hold on Cathy. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts when Jesus is breaking you, you gotta hold on to Jesus, because when you finally come out on the other side of this, you are going to have a beautiful ending." Then I picked up my Bible for the first time in ten days, bowed my head and prayed. I finally reconciled with God. Right now I am trying to learn how to trust Him again. I feel like I lost a lot of ground this week. I feel like I will never be the same after this. My only hope is that through all this change, the Lord will make something even more beautiful and God-honoring of my life. That was my Joy this week.
I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ and be found in Him...the righteousness which is of God by faith: that I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowships of His sufferings...this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus - Philippians 3: 8,10,13-14
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
What is Joy?
I was in Kansas City this past weekend teaching a VBS with a friend. We played games, told, stories, and (of course) sang many songs. The second day of VBS I taught the children one of my favorite songs, called the I've Got Joy song.
I've got Joy down in my heart
Deep, deep down in my heart
J-O-Y down in my heart
Deep, deep down in my heart
Jesus gave it to me and no one can destroy it
I've got Joy down in my heart
Deep, deep down in my heart
It is part of my training to not only sing the songs with the children, but also to discuss what they mean. So I asked the children "what does it mean to have Joy?"
I ask you as well my reader. "What does it mean to have Joy?" Does it mean to always be happy all the time? That is ridiculous. No one can be happy all the time and no one can know that better than I. If you ask any of my friends who the happiest person they know is, they will probably say my name. But even I am not happy all the time. It is simply not possible to live in a world with sin and death and not be unhappy sometimes. Besides how can a Lord who commands us to "be joyful" (Psalm 149:5) also command us to "weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15)? No, to have Joy is not to be happy all the time but this is the false idea that pervades our entire world.
My reader, you might also consider from whom the command to be Joyful comes. It comes from the Lord Jesus. Yet there are times in the Scriptures when it is readily apparent that Jesus is not happy. Even Jesus was sad, grieved, or righteously angry. He was not happy all the time. Yet He commands us to have Joy. So does this mean that Jesus commands His children to do something that was impossible for God Himself? Or is it rather that we do not fully understand what it means to have true Joy? Knowing that for the Lord "All things are possible" (Matthew 19:26) I think that we just do not fully understand what it means to have true Joy.
So I ask you again "what does it mean to have Joy"? To be honest, I have heard many explanations of it in my life and I still have not figured it out. My hope for this blog is to search for the true Joy of the Lord. But I will leave you with the explanation I gave to the children I was teaching that night. To be Joyful is to be content with your circumstances, knowing that because you have been saved by God's Grace, no matter what horrible, painful or happy things you experience here on earth, you have been promised that when you die you will be taken to Heaven, the Perfect place. Sometimes to be Joyful is to be very happy. Sometimes the Joy is hidden deep down inside because it is nearly overwhelmed by grief. But! Joy can never leave because it is the assurance of God's Promise.
I've got Joy down in my heart
Deep, deep down in my heart
J-O-Y down in my heart
Deep, deep down in my heart
Jesus gave it to me and no one can destroy it
I've got Joy down in my heart
Deep, deep down in my heart
It is part of my training to not only sing the songs with the children, but also to discuss what they mean. So I asked the children "what does it mean to have Joy?"
I ask you as well my reader. "What does it mean to have Joy?" Does it mean to always be happy all the time? That is ridiculous. No one can be happy all the time and no one can know that better than I. If you ask any of my friends who the happiest person they know is, they will probably say my name. But even I am not happy all the time. It is simply not possible to live in a world with sin and death and not be unhappy sometimes. Besides how can a Lord who commands us to "be joyful" (Psalm 149:5) also command us to "weep with those who weep" (Romans 12:15)? No, to have Joy is not to be happy all the time but this is the false idea that pervades our entire world.
My reader, you might also consider from whom the command to be Joyful comes. It comes from the Lord Jesus. Yet there are times in the Scriptures when it is readily apparent that Jesus is not happy. Even Jesus was sad, grieved, or righteously angry. He was not happy all the time. Yet He commands us to have Joy. So does this mean that Jesus commands His children to do something that was impossible for God Himself? Or is it rather that we do not fully understand what it means to have true Joy? Knowing that for the Lord "All things are possible" (Matthew 19:26) I think that we just do not fully understand what it means to have true Joy.
So I ask you again "what does it mean to have Joy"? To be honest, I have heard many explanations of it in my life and I still have not figured it out. My hope for this blog is to search for the true Joy of the Lord. But I will leave you with the explanation I gave to the children I was teaching that night. To be Joyful is to be content with your circumstances, knowing that because you have been saved by God's Grace, no matter what horrible, painful or happy things you experience here on earth, you have been promised that when you die you will be taken to Heaven, the Perfect place. Sometimes to be Joyful is to be very happy. Sometimes the Joy is hidden deep down inside because it is nearly overwhelmed by grief. But! Joy can never leave because it is the assurance of God's Promise.
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