I must admit, I am a person of passion. I can be passionately happy, passionately sad, passionately loving, and passionately angry. I am one of those people who tends to act and react, not think things through, so I find I must constantly be keeping my anger in check. I am ashamed of my angry moments and I tend to ignore them. I think that happens in all of our lives as well. Anger is something that is natural to every human being and yet it is one of those things that we try to completely forget about. We try to avoid all mention of it. I'm sure everyone at one point or another has been in some sort of angry passion and had someone ask "why are you so angry" or declare "you are angry right now". But then what do we often say? That's right, "No I am NOT angry!" (and do not forget that you are yelling this). I think though, that to discover more about the true Joy of the Lord one must explore all areas of one's behavior, even one's own anger.
I must admit that for the past two weeks I was angry with God. It was the most painful thing I've experienced in my life yet. God took away something from my life this year. I could not understand at first why He did it. I kept asking "Lord, why would You take something away from me that makes me so happy? That teaches me more about You? Why must Your plan for me include hurting me like this?" I was miserable. I knew, in my head I knew, that the Lord can do whatever hurtful thing He wants to me, because I have given my life to Him. I knew, in my head I knew, that He was teaching me to refocus my priorities on what was truly important in my life. There were nights when all I could do was sit in my bed, cry, and ask "Why Lord? Why?" I knew all the answers in my head, but they were having a hard time making it to my heart. Then I went to a girl's camp, to be a counselor. At the beginning of the week I wondered if I even had any right to be there. I felt so dead in my soul. I did not feel like talking about the Lord at all. I know the Joy was there, but it was one of those times when it was buried deep, deep down in my heart.
At one point I had an out-of-mind experience, if I may call it that. I was sitting there at the camp and I said to myself "Ok, you are hurting. You think God has hurt you and you don't know if you can trust Him anymore. But you know that God has a reason for everything and you KNOW that this is going to help you. I know you can't FEEL it right now, but you KNOW that Jesus is still there and He knows exactly what He is doing with your life."
A few months ago I was going through a rough patch. It was one of those silly rough patches where you know everything wrong that happened, happened because you made some dumb decisions. I had my good friend, Cathleen, praying for me and one day she gave me a CD with a compilation of songs that she found inspiring when she was having bad days. One song by Michelle Tumes particularly struck me.
I've found Love
I've found Peace in my life
I've found Joy that no one can describe
When I lay down to sleep
there's a voice inside keeps tell me
Something that I ought to do
You've gotta hold on to Jesus
when your heart is crying
your world is dying
Hold onto Jesus
when your life had had enough
I've had pain and like everyone else
I've been tempted to only live for myself
but when I lay down to sleep
there's a voice inside
keeps telling me
something that I ought to do
You've gotta hold onto Jesus
when your heart is crying
your world is dying
hold onto Jesus
when your life has had enough
And as time goes by
the tick of the clock is not enough for me
And as time goes by
I'll give Jesus my allegiance
Cuz you and me
we've gotta hold on
hold on to Jesus
Now when I have problems this song comes to mind. This week, in the midst of my pain and anger I remembered this song. And I finally said, "Hold on Cathy. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts when Jesus is breaking you, you gotta hold on to Jesus, because when you finally come out on the other side of this, you are going to have a beautiful ending." Then I picked up my Bible for the first time in ten days, bowed my head and prayed. I finally reconciled with God. Right now I am trying to learn how to trust Him again. I feel like I lost a lot of ground this week. I feel like I will never be the same after this. My only hope is that through all this change, the Lord will make something even more beautiful and God-honoring of my life. That was my Joy this week.
I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ and be found in Him...the righteousness which is of God by faith: that I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowships of His sufferings...this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus - Philippians 3: 8,10,13-14
